The Odd Education of a Flu and a Birthday.
Friday, February 4, 2011 at 9:52PM | Nathan Miller 
Well, it's my 31st birthday. It hasn't turned out quite how I expected. A flu/bronchitis/who-know's-what kept me in bed for the last four days, not to mention the flu like symptoms my kids have today. Worse yet, my boys have a rather small movie repertoire (partly because we are picky about what we let them watch, and partly because there are only so many cartoon super hero movies) so I watched The Incredibles between 8 and 12 times this week. I'm pretty sure I dreamed of Syndrome last night.
That said, I think this birthday served a special purpose. Having too little energy to "accomplish" anything (read, "stay busy") forced me to sit, look, and listen. I got to watch my boys play super hero's with their makeshift towel capes, and build towers with blocks, Lego's, and old CD's. I took a nap beside my four year old who cuddled close as we fell asleep. I curled up next to my wife as we listened to music on the couch. Yes, this was a very special birthday.
Because of my predicament I got a little introspective, and today I realized something. You see, I'd like to think I'm a pretty balanced person. I'm not a workaholic but I don't think I'm lazy either. I try to expand my horizons and learn when I can, and I don't have any major vices.. but this week found for me a sad deficiency, an area of weakness. Over the last few days I have realized I lack silence.
I hate to think how much of 2010 was spent with an iPhone in my hand, or spent watching tv, or sketching in a notebook, or reading a book, or just having an idea bounce between my ears. Sure, much of it is good, there's nothing wrong with connecting with friends, or being entertained, and having dreams, but out of check these things can become a mind numbing distraction. For me it has blurred my focus and made my passions dull and hazy.
Now I realize how silly this might seem to you. Maybe you've got it figured out. Maybe stopping and listening isn't an issue, maybe it's not a problem for you. But for me it is. Life gets really blurry sometimes. I get up, go to work so we have a house to sleep in and food to eat. I go home to eat and go to bed. Why? So I can get up and go to work.. like a hamster in a wheel. At least that's what it seems like some days, just a messy, busy cycle. But there is so much more in life, so much more to see and experience and have and be. And for me, I just wasn't silent enough to see it.
Now, this realization shouldn't have been a surprise to me. Over the last half decade I've had art (which was once a passion of mine) become an exercise in frustration (for example, see this post I did some time ago. It was a pretty low point for me). I've spent considerable time trying to figure out why I lost the ability to draw and paint. I've even bought books about breaking through the creative rut. But nothing has helped.. until today. When I could do little more than sit on the couch, I found my mind opening up with ideas. I could see brush strokes and colors. I could feel my arms moving as paint bristles scraped across canvas. For the first time in years I can see like an artist again! And it's all because I finally, finally, stopped to be silent.
So this birthday was good. Yeah I spent most of it shivering under a crocheted afghan but I think it was healthy. I hope this is the year I spend more time in silence - listening to others, listening to God and listening for a quiet mind. And I hope this is the you find that balance too.
